[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
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I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.