@AristotlesNZ: Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn't see himself in a mirror.
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@Kim_pulsive: There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
@BuckyIsotope: FROM: Harvard SUBJ: Your PhD application We are unable to accept you at this time as "Teaching Squirrels Karate" is too cool for us.
@tarashoe: A WOMAN: i've only been washing my hair ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!! THE WOMAN: once a ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!
@TragicAllyHere: My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.