So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
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Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood