[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
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“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?