[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
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Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?