[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
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People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I can’t wait!
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.