when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
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New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
bury ourselves
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen