daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
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My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Kids: Stay in school.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem