[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
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No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.