@IamEnidColeslaw: drank a Mike's Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
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@OfficialMizGin: Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day. Me: How many more until you get a personality?
@Mr_Kapowski: *hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night* *wife reaches over* "Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?" *already locked myself in the bathroom*
@OBiiieeee: my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas