drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
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Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I wish I could veto my bills.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.