@IamEnidColeslaw: drank a Mike's Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
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@sixfootcandy: You're supposed to pee on a Jellyfish sting and not a jelly stain? Well that was really embarrassing.
@stockejock: Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, 'Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?'
@KKAlThani: I was in a good mood when suddenly twitter went down & I ran over a blind man, tasered a baby, killed a puppy & set myself on fire.
@murrman5: [overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he's always overreacting and making a mess *spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?