Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
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I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!