Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
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(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.