Draw me like one of your French Fries.
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Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs