“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
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Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace