Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
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The devil.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Going into Monday like
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My typo game is string.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…