@DothTheDoth: Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.
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@david8hughes: [date] Me: you wanna see what desserts they have? Wife: how about we go home & I'll let you- Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
@tweetfaver: hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky babe i promise you're the only one no this is not a hickey ?it's just a bruuuise ?
@TheGladStork: Wife: why are you smiling? [realizing if Blue from Blue's Clues and Clifford had puppies they'd be purple] Me: I was thinking about you.
@therealeatwood: CAPT. AMERICA: Merry Christmas, Hulk! Happy Hanukkah, The Thing! Er… what religion are you, Thor? THOR: Do you understand I’m an actual god