dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
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People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
That’s amazing.