Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
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Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
based al yankovic
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes