@curlycomedy: Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
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@RocketRankoon: [5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator] Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
@MarieColette: I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
@petemandik: [touching face upon receiving compliment] Glad you like it. But, it's not a teardrop tattoo. It's an Oxford comma.
@lisaxy424: "zombies aren't real zombies aren't real zombies aren't real zombies aren't real" - me, walking my dog at night