Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
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The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Stonehinge
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I feel it
the official breakfast of 2021
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Me driving through Toronto
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.