Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
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[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.