Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
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Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out