Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
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My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
2 years later
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I’m putting together a team
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you