drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
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Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm