Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
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My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?