*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
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This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?