Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
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I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
any last words?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”