@DevilryFun: Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
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@daemonic3: [dj voice] "What's up Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?" [dads in unison] DON'T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
@tatsabrat: My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he's creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
@NewDadNotes: Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house. Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler. Me: sorry man, she’s not interested. Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.