God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
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Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What