Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
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My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Noted.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.