Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
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*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
What in the hipster hell is going on here
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water