driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
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Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
ugh not again
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?