*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
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HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
The first matador
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.