*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
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my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Confused owl: What?!
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food