Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
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DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Steam Forums
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode