Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
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It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Sticker placement is key.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
#CatsOnTwitter
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka