NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
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Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
do u think theres a butter planet?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”