[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
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I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]