{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
im all 3
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono