Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
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Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
goldfish mafia
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Hit me in the face with a bird
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”