*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
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inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.