My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
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No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
There is wisdom there.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.