[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
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ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.