[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
You Might Also Like
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
the three branches of government
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?