She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
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My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
how to exercise your calf muscles
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.