The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
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Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
“I FIXED IT!”
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
The Book. The Movie.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.