[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
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stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Europe. Made in Germany.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I bet
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…