Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
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son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
This hospital has everything
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes