“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
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[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no