Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
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Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
6. me as a lawyer
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.