Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
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Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
umm…