I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
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Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.