[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
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Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.